Spam for the parish

by , under church

Deconstructing a mail message I got in my parish webmaster persona. Yes, I know it’s spam, but I’m treating it as if it’s serious.

*Hello <> Team, *

Yep, that’s me.

*Get your website on Google’s Front Page search:*

It’s already there: searching for “orthodoxe kerk deventer” gets it as the first three results.

We would like to have a discussion with you regarding the web promotion strategy for your website.

Er, why?

We wish to work out a proposal to strengthen the online presence of your website, via, a strategically planned web promotion campaign. In today’s online era, you should be focusing on the new revolutionary ways of generating traffic.

Who says I should? Except you, spammer. The online presence of our website (where else than online?) is already everything we need.

*We were curious to know if you were aware that are a few issues bugging your website. Sorting out these will help you get the best returns out of your website.*

You’re aware that we’re not interested in “the best returns”? Oh, you weren’t. Also most of your points are either irrelevant or untrue.

§  Your website seems to be attracting traffic, but this traffic is almost stagnant and limited, which affects potential sales as you move forward.

It’s attracting the traffic it’s made to attract: parishioners and potential visitors. We’re not selling anything so we don’t need sales.

§  Your website doesn’t feature in Google’s first search page for some of the major keywords in your niche, which affects visibility.

If you told us what those keywords are I could test them, but it seems to be very easy to find our website anyway.

§  Your website has been diagnosed with coding issues, which affects ranking.

The HTML and CSS validate perfectly, thank you very much. (Yes, it’s probably outdated HTML and CSS, but it works so why change?)

§  Your back links profile is not efficient enough to help your search engine visibility.

We only link to relevant things, not to profitable things. Anyway, we have no problem with search engine visibility.

§  Your website is currently not being properly promoted online, which is affecting your marketing strategy and goals

We have no marketing strategy and goals (we don’t sell anything, remember?) so promoting it would be irrelevant.

§  Your presence in social media platform (Face book, Twitter, etc.) is minimal. This is depriving you of a huge market of prospective referral clients.

“Facebook” is one word. If the parish is on Facebook I don’t know about it (and don’t want to know about it, unless they’re doing something defamatory). We are on Twitter but that’s only for announcing church services. We’re not selling anything, so we’re not interested in this huge market, what would we do with it?

We excel in running promotional online marketing campaign for websites.

Then run them for websites that actually need and want them.

We have a host of ethical services and techniques, which you can utilize to improve your website’s performance.

“Ethical”? And what’s wrong with “use”?

We could send you more details regarding your present website status; we would be glad to share *“PRE SEO REPORT” or “WEBSITE ANALYSIS REPORT for FREE”.*

No, thanks.

*Let me know your thought and if possible give me the best time to make further discussion**.*

As I said: No, thanks.

*Best Regards,*
*Amy Joseph | Senior Sales Advisor*

Best regards,
Irina Rempt, webmaster.

*PS 1*: If you are interested then I will send more details on our *“SEO ROPOSAL”* *and* “*FREE WEBSITE ANALYSIS REPORT”.*

Dunno, I’ve never seen a roposal so I might be interested if I wasn’t so meh about the rest of what you’re offering.

*PS 2*: I found your site using Google search

You did? And you’re still convinced that it needs more visibility?

and after having a look over your website I recommend you to implement future technologies such as *HTML 5 and Responsive Design* to make your site more accessible in mobile phone, tablets, desktop etc.

That’s the first sensible thing you’re saying. Well, not “future technologies” because they’re not there yet, but making the site more accessible on phones might actually be useful.

    • Irina

      Yes, so did I! (And now seriously considering mobile accessibility if that can be done with a simple stylesheet)


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