I’m going to Akademy. Eeek!

by , under expeditions, krita, life

I'm going to Akademy!The fact that I’m going doesn’t cause eeek-ness (that’s more like wheee-ness, it’s my first time and I’ve always been envious) but my other half said that it might be a good thing to give a fast-track or lightning talk about the Krita artist interviews. Called something like “showcasing our artists”.

I like to be doing something at an event, rather than just being a passive consumer and listener. What impedes me is that I’m a very bad public speaker. I have debilitating stage fright with a generous helping of impostor syndrome on the side. If I’m up there for a lightning talk I’ll probably spend all of the allotted five minutes trembling and stammering and finally run away in panic. That it’s recorded makes it exponentially worse: when I know there’s a recording going on I shut up even in a normal non-public conversation. (Not telling me that there’s a recording going on makes me distrust you, for any conceivable value of ‘you’, forever after. Or worse, as someone did to me once, lying to me about turning it off. Good thing I disliked that person already.)

On the other hand, that I’m not a developer and won’t be speaking about a technical subject is probably a good thing because there’s not enough of that. On the other other hand, lots of lightning talks and fast-track talks have already been submitted so it will probably fall off the schedule anyway. On the third hand –oops, that’s already the fourth– women are still under-represented. On the spare tentacle of that hand, I don’t particularly want to represent anything except the Krita community; I’m not Representing Women just because I happen to be one. I had quite enough of that when I was the only woman in a worldbuilding club and most people in meetings didn’t want to know anything from me except “the female view”. Which I couldn’t deliver, because I didn’t see anything especially female about any views I had.

Writing this is, of course, one of the ways of pushing myself to do it anyway. I have a week to write something up and decide whether I have the courage. [ETA: I submitted. I made a 5-minute slideshow of work by Krita artists, which I’m very proud of. We have train tickets from Paris to the Spanish border; tickets to Paris aren’t available yet and tickets through Spain aren’t available online. We have an apartment. Can’t back out now, can I?]

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